life decisions

growing up poor there’s little time to plan out what you want to do and who you want to be.  so many circumstances point you in the direction that point to other circumstances and so on.  many of my neighborhood friends married right out high school due to pregnancies or no other idea of what to do.  some over dosed on drugs.  i don’t know what life would have been if i’d stayed in my neighborhood.

here at another crossroad with the economy and no family and wishing for stability and love and passion i feel like it’s baby steps.  moving inch by inch.  knowing there’s a date looming and not being sure what options there will be when the clock strikes midnight.

how much control do we have compared to what we think we have over our lives?  even when i was a fundamentalist christian i wasn’t sure.

what is styling a life?

i grew up in a poor Irish/Jewish family who seemed to barely be engaged with life.  life happened to them. by teaching myself to read at three i explored foreign lands, peoples, cultures, animals, with mystical figures, and historical figures i knew life had to be different.  being poor, really poor when alot of energy is put towards making ends meet and holding back the violence created the foundation for me to escape through books.   since i wasn’t a pretty girl, and had an odd, geeky personality, books made me feel alive.  they gave me room to grow in the midst of my stifling ranch house just outside of Philadelphia.

as we’ve all learned, it’s difficult for children in abusive homes to manage day to day chores.  the stress blocks their critical thinking skills, while their survival skills increase and sharpen daily.  without leadership, how does this type of child style or create anything?