life decisions

growing up poor there’s little time to plan out what you want to do and who you want to be.  so many circumstances point you in the direction that point to other circumstances and so on.  many of my neighborhood friends married right out high school due to pregnancies or no other idea of what to do.  some over dosed on drugs.  i don’t know what life would have been if i’d stayed in my neighborhood.

here at another crossroad with the economy and no family and wishing for stability and love and passion i feel like it’s baby steps.  moving inch by inch.  knowing there’s a date looming and not being sure what options there will be when the clock strikes midnight.

how much control do we have compared to what we think we have over our lives?  even when i was a fundamentalist christian i wasn’t sure.

styling god

here’s the question swirling around my mind these days.  all during my years as a “born again” evangelical christian, i heard of stories that drove people  to god.  or christ.  whichever you want to use for the moment.  why is it that god, defined as loving, and kind can only get people to “him” by said people hitting bottom?

i’ve already mentioned my abusive childhood in other posts.  and losing my mother to cancer while in high school.  and my father becoming a parapalegic in an accident when i was in 11th grade.  now seriously.  do i need to have a lower “bottom” to hit?

so these days, after surviving 9/11, losing my savings, struggling with this economy, being forced out my home as my landlord loses his house…am i now supposed to turn back to this “loving god”?

you know what would work better for me?  to feel embraced, to feel safe, to feel loved.  so much of it that it overflows to everyone i encounter.  that i am truly joyful, and thankful and finally get to exhibit a trait i admire–grace.  i admire people who are gracious.  it’s such an amazing trait.

if there’s a god (who isn’t an anthropomorphised into a male, or father etc) i want to know.  i want to meet.  have a meeting over a cup of coffee or glass of wine.  i’d like a chat.  no discussion of sin and blood, and hell.  not interested.

i want to learn about love.  how i can be loved.  and how i can give love.

simple, eh?