it’s been quite awhile since i’ve written and there have been changes. i accepted a position in North Carolina. there was potential for it to go awry and it absolutely did. i’ll spare the gory details for now…but it was one of the most toxic environments i’ve experienced in…almost forever! only my family home could have been more toxic. today was my last day. i’m relieved from the emotional and physical toll perspective, pretty anxious about the financial situation.
i have around 15K worth of jewelry i need to sell…perhaps more because i’ve been creating pieces over the last month. a few necklaces that i love and a couple of bracelets. i suspect that the numbers will increase as the days go on and perhaps some sales.
this short stint in a group run like the worst that Microsoft has to offer, i learned alot about myself. and it takes me back to learnings from grad school. how we act and react in a stressful work environment often is related to how we have been “programmed” by our family structure. each time we’re faced with a similar type of stress we’re challenged to act/react differently. this may only be possible if there is support to do so. external support, internal support, psychological support.
as a 9/11 survivor i have a “hair trigger”. when something in my environment is confusing and things are swirling around me it’s easy to get thrown into a deep state of confusion. my response to that is to talk. sometimes inappropriately. looking for someone to have an answer. someone to make sense out of nonsense. in some way to be rescued from situations beyond my control. call it a flaw. call it a personality defect. or call it a brain pattern developed during incredibly stressful situations. it’s a personally stylized brain response that needs healing or repatterning. i’m really not sure which.
but i do know that if the vp who so lovingly protected the mean girls on her team had spent even an hour getting to know and understand me, my response would have been different. would i have kept my job? i’m not sure. but i wouldn’t be sitting here now wondering how things got so distorted.
http://tinyurl.com/nbn6oa brings up some interesting thoughts in “The System Made Me Do It”.
It’s a core principle of systems thinking: The underlying structure greatly influences–if not determines–the behavior of an
y system.
it makes me think of how many people in the ecommerce group who were stuggling with the structure of the undercurrent of fear, the open atmosphere of fear, and the lack of trust for people who had once been friends.
ok, how do i get rid of that stupid box to the right?
thank you new and dear friends for your wonderful support. you make me smile!
